Seriously?!

Right, because I didn't have enough on my plate.

On Saturday around 4 am I rolled over and felt like I had been laying awkwardly on one side, tweaking a muscle in my back on the lower right side., above my hip. I woke up to feed the girls around 6 and the muscle was still acting up. The longer I sat turned to the side to feed them, the more irritated it became. Once I finished, I microwaved my neck pillow and laid down on the couch for awhile but no position seemed to make it better or worse. Around 8 I took the Ibuprofen and hydromorphone left over from my c-section (I know, I'm not supposed to hang on to these things but, look, it came in handy!)

This wasn't the first time I've had back pain, although it was the first in my lower back, and I felt like a hypochondriac for questioning whether it was anything more than that, so I did my best to do all the usual self-treatment.

My mom and grandma came over at 10 to watch the ladybugs so I could go to the gym, but I told them that I pulled a muscle in my back and so didn't feel like going. I said I'd take a nap in the back instead and see if I could feel better. A few minutes in bed made me realize that 1) no position was going to be comfortable enough to fall sleep, and 2) my back pain was getting worse in spite of my medicine. I thought about calling the Consulting Nurse but figured that I would probably be told to be seen so I skipped the middle man and called for an appointment before the Saturday clinic was over.

I walked out to the living room and, I think, startled my mom and grandma by saying, "My back is getting worse. I'm going to go to the clinic" and then grabbing my purse and heading out the door.

I managed to hit every stop light, and every "You go. No, you go," at each stop sign along the way, each minute making my pain a little worse until I could barely support myself enough to stay sitting up. When I walked in the door of the clinic, a one-finger typer from the cast of Sling Blade attempted to check me in using the new appointment system that he had obviously never seen before this moment. He asked me to update my emergency contact information and I think I replied, a little too shrilly, and much too quickly, "It'sallthesame!" as I grabbed a tissue and dabbed the tears of pain and frustration off my cheeks. "We have to input it again in the new system," he replied. I took a deep breath and tried to shift my weight in a way that might offer some pain releif, but none came. "Two-oh-six..." "Wait. Wait... I have to figure out how to get to that screen." I envisioned a healthier version of myself leaping over the counter and taking him by the throat to the commercial-grade carpet.

The clear-witted woman next to him said, "Just let her go and we'll do it another time". Thank goodness for perceptive abilities.

I hobbled up the stairs and briefly explained to the nurse how my morning had started, when she stopped me and waved the doctor over, saying, "We have kidney stones over here." Wha? It seemed like a pretty conclusive statement given that I hadn't finished my story or had any testing yet.

I managed the most miniscule of urine samples - I've seen more condensation rolling down a winter window - and waited through a series of questions as I kneeled, squatted, bent forward, sat on one hip, sat on the other hip, laid back, leaned against a chair, and any other position I could stand for more than a few seconds. I would have seemed more manic than a speed freak except for the shallow breaths and closed eyes. It felt like I had been beaten with a baseball bat over and over right above my hip bone.

The doctor called ahead to Group Health's Urgent Care to let them know to expect me and I called my dad for a ride since I had obviously pushed my limits with the first drive and Sean was still at work. The pain was now radiating to my groin and I was in serious danger of tossing my cookies. (Literally, since my lame attempt at breakfast was a Lilah-shaped gingerbread cookie and milk.)

Within minutes of arriving, they rushed me into an orthopedic room (all the other rooms were full) and started an IV. I said, "Put me in a broom closet for all I care, as long as you do something about the pain!" and then was reminded of my sincere and everlasting love of dilaudid. Ah, sweet nectar of the gods. If there is a heaven, let it consist of just this: Me on a bed with a constant infusion of this amazing drug. yessssss......

Sean arrived a short while later and within about two hours I had a CT scan. (There is apaprently very little in the name "Urgent Care" that is factual.) The wait didn't bother me, since I was nicely drugged, but Sean was bored out of his mind so I sent him to Whole Foods to get himself some lunch. When he came back, he was full and, since I coudn't eat anything "just in case", he brought me a cherry truffle candy bar to look forward to. Best husband ever, right?

Finally, the doctor came in. "Well, we didn't see the stone on CT, so you must have passed it while you were waiting and now it's in your bladder. But, we did see something else. It looks like you have a large cyst on your right ovary." He gave me the choice of staying for an ultrasound and I figured that while we here, we might as well know the full story.

It turned out that, in addition to a kidney stone, I also had a 2.5 cm cyst that had ruptured. The pain I was enduring was either a) a kidney stone, b) the expanding of a large cyst, c) the rupture of that cyst or d) all of the above. In all likelihood, it was d.

And so a nurse came in, removed my IV and said I could go. I looked at her quiziically and asked where the doctor was. She said that my doctor had gone home, that there was a new doctor and then handed me a prescription. I was more than a little puzzled that he (or she) didn't talk to me in person or provide me with more definitive information about my condition or follow-up. The nurse practically told us not to let the door hit us in the *ss on the way out! By then it was 8hours since I'd been home and we had no idea how much longer we'd have to wait in order to talk to someone, so we packed up and headed out.


Sean drove me home and we picked up the girls from the neighbor, who had wonderfully relieved my mom from her long day of gandsitting, and then we all slept like logs.

Amazingly, I woke up Sunday morning feeling entirely pain free, without any of the medications they sent home with me, and have been completely back to normal ever since! The human body is pretty incredible.