14 days old

Just when we thought we were starting to get a handle on things, something else gets thrown at us all. The labs for Charlotte's spinal fluid showed a bacteria that could be an infection or it could still be a contaminant - no closer to an answer. So they geared up to take yet another sample today in order to finally determine which it is. I tried to use the privacy room to pump during that time so I wouldn't hear her tiny cries, but someone walked in just before me, so I had to go back and pump behind a screen a few feet from her. They give the babies sucrose to help with the pain because it acts like morphine without the duration or addictive qualities, but hearing your baby cry and not being to help is still heartbreaking. A few minutes later I heard the doctor tell Sean that they couldn't get a clear sample due to a small bit of blood that was picked up, so they would try again tomorrow. *sigh*

The hardest news of all was that the latest of the twice weekly test swabs for MRSA (that they do on all the babies, in both the nostrils and umbilical cord stump) showed up positive for Charlotte's nose today. It doesn't mean that it's an active infection since 1 out of 3 people carry it and are entirely without symptoms all of the time, but it does mean that they have to keep an eye on yet another possible problem. They'll continue her isolation precautions (gown and gloves before entering her space) and give her a nasal treatment for 5 days, then wait three days, then test again, then wait three days and test again. If all the new tests are negative then she'll come off precautions. If any are still positive, even though she may not have symptoms, she'll be on isolation for the rest of her time in the NICU. What's worse? Since Lilah is her twin sister she's on automatic isolation precautions for at least 4 days as long as she continues to test negative. If she shows a positive, she's on the same regimen as her sister.

If you can even imagine (and I'm pretty sure you've tried but come shockingly short of what we're actually experiencing unless you've been in these NICU shoes) what I'm going through with not being able to bring the girls home and act like a mommy to them all this time, try this: It will be at least another 2 weeks, minimum, before we can even think about bringing them home; We can't touch one girl with our bare hands for at least 11 days; and now we can't touch the other for at least 4 days and possibly another 11 after that. If you're a mom (or know someone you can relate this to), imagine the first time you decided you'd try to tear yourself away and leave your baby with someone else while you went out. You probably thought about the baby the whole time you were out and were itching the whole time to get back as soon as you could. I go through that daily only I don't get the part where I get to cuddle and feed and adore them constantly.

I tear up when I see another mom getting to carry her baby around or when I go to Babies R Us and see all the things that are pointless to buy because there is no telling when we'd actually get to use them. I'm starting to get worried about the baby shower next weekend, which I'm certain will be lovely, because I might end up crying through the whole thing.

I just want to be a mom. And don't try to tell me that having them in the NICU is the best thing I could do as a mom or that visiting the girls is exactly what they need - that's not being a mom. That's passively sitting by and watching the weeks pass with my hands tied. I want them here with me where they can hear my voice all through the day and I can pick them up and comfort them when they cry. I want to see them grow up without looking through plexiglass. I'm tired of seeing the horizon and then walking a little further to find that it moved. This. Really. Sucks.