5 days old

Thursday was another great day for us all! Lilah was doing so well on the CPAP that they moved her over to a nasal cannula and she is just using room oxygen without any supplemental O2! And they are talking about moving Charlotte to the cannula at some point today. Both girls are still on bilirubin lights because of jaundice, but that should just be for another day or two.

The best news of all is that Charlotte was stable enough yesterday that I got to hold her for almost 2 hours! I changed into a robe that opened in the front and reclined in a chair next to the incubator. The nurse placed her on my chest, skin-to-skin, with her head up by my chin and we both just relaxed. Charlotte barely moved the whole time because she was so at peace. I imagine that her ear against my chest gave her the experience of my voice and heartbeat similar to the womb. I placed one hand on her back with my thumb out for her to grasp, and the other hand curled around her tucked up legs. I drifted in and out of sleep myself, partly from exhaustion and partly from my pain medications. It was complete bliss.

Yes, her hand is wrapped around my thumb. So tiny!

I also arrived home last night since my pain seemed to be manageable enough to be on my own. Over the last few days Sean had taken home a few items at a time and I spent the morning packing up everything that remained, so while I was holding Charlotte he was able to load it up in one trip and bring it down to the truck. After 53 days, I was going home.

It was hard for me to know that I brought these little girls with me to the hospital and now I was leaving them behind. I'm their mom - I'm supposed to be taking care of them and here I am walking away. Since I did know that it was coming, and I got to spend the day with them, it was a little easier and I didn't cry, but now all I can think about is getting back to them. I know they're being very well taken care of and I have nothing to worry about, but I think I'm addicted. I need my baby fix.

The ride home was surreal. It's strange to think about the whole world continuing on without me and seeing people on bicycles and going about their lives reminded me of all I must have been missing while in my isolated little room for 53 days. I saw a brick retaining wall in a neighbor's yard that wasn't there when I left, trees and bushes with leaves where bare branches had been. My cul-de-sac installed a secure mailbox and ours was pulled out of our yard. (I won't comment on how the rest of our yard fared while I was gone.) It felt like coming home but at the same time a little like I was just visiting. It would seem like an easy thing to adjust to being back, but it's almost like I have to re-establish myself and create routines all over again.

Roscoe was absolutely thrilled to see me walk in the door. He did his excited sit where his ears are pinned to the back of his head and his chest sticks out and he looks like he can barely contain himself. He wanted nothing more than to get petted by me and every time I stopped he raised his paw and tapped me to remind me that he was still hoping for more. Cooter, on the other hand, acted like nothing had changed. Cats.

The best part, of course, was being with Sean. He could move around the house and take care of odds and ends and yet still talk to me the whole time. We got to cuddle on the couch. We got to fall asleep next to each other and it was so comforting to just reach over and put my hand on his arm or back in the middle of the night. We're both on our computers this morning but chatting the whole time. I missed just being able to interact as part of our daily lives. Even though I saw him nearly every day, it wasn't the same - I missed him. And now I get him back.

Sean's sister Tanya is coming to visit this weekend and will help us with getting the house back in order, which is great. We love spending time with her and I am definitely not ready to do much around here even though my anxiety levels are up just looking at all that I'd like to get done and organized. It was such a whirlwind before I left and Sean, understandably, didn't have time to keep up with all the things I normally keep up to "Britt standards". (Sean - You're not going to like the Tupperware drawer. Me - But they stack!) There is much to be done.